| Ramblings of a Mad Man |
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| 10:37pm 19/01/2004 |
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mood:  relaxed music: Drive - Incubus
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No please before anyone reads this im not upset im just completely relaxed. I read Bizarre magazine religiously and found part of a article I wanted to share with everyone. For those that are close to me know I had a long time ago tried to commit suicide. Well in my magazine there was an article that is on the “psychology” of suicide and the suicide note. I never left a note but *shrugs* this is interesting. Any input?
“You’re desperate. Without hope. Utterly alone. It’s never going to get any better, and it hurts too much to continue living as you are. If you could only make it stop. Nobody understands. The more people try to comfort you, the more they expose the raw wound that is your inability to feel their words of comfort.”
“Ledge-talkers are trained never, ever to try to remind would-be jumpers of all the nice things in the world they’ll miss out on. They can’t feel them any more: Biological Psychiatry published this month showing that the most severely depressed and suicidal people are made even sadder by pictures of happiness.”
“All these mixed-up feelings inside, and nobody to share them with. Maybe it’s better in writing… Maybe a world that never listened will finally take notice when it finds you DEAD.”
“Maybe when it sees your tragic corpse spread out on the floor, it’ll understand what its done.”
- Bizarre Magazine 2003 February issue #80 pg. 77 |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| Farewell Willy |
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| 12:23am 14/12/2003 |
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mood:  blank music: Enter the Sandman - Metalica
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Well after 3 movies and numerous events to help with “his” community at the age of 27 the actor “Keiko” has passed on. And for anyone who is saying “who in the hell is Keiko” that was the whale in Free Willy. Why is it such a big deal? It wasn’t till those movies were released that people began to care about the park lived of animals such as killer whales. They were no longer a “dumb fish” but mammals with feeling and reasoning. After this they began releasing the whales from habitats back into the wild. Not to mention I believe a large portion of the movie and also special shows he put on afterwards the proceeds went to save the whales and WWF (World Wildlife Fund).
Willy died due to pneumonia. He had traveled to eh…. the Netherlands I believe (don’t quote me on that im trying to remember from the news from about an hour ago) once he couldn’t find a pod to live with he traveled until he found what he wanted which was Human Contact. For years they had had problems trying to release him into the wild where as if they kept him in captivity he may be here now. But as I said in the beginning I will say once more in the end, Farewell Willy |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Theory 101 lesson 3 |
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| 11:36pm 09/12/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished music: SUM 41- Over my head
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ANCIENT GREEKS
- Burial delayed for 3 days
- Body ‘anointed’ with oils and spices
- Coin placed in mouth and cake of honey beside body
- Preparation of body by family
- Among first credited with cremation as disposition. Family would light funeral pyre
ANCIENT JEWS
- Both embalming and cremation viewed as mutilation of body.
- Body ‘anointed’ with oils and spices, then wrapped in linen
- Outer contained of wood, with no metal or glues devised from animal products
- Practice to return undefiled body to earth ASAP (usually within 24 hrs)
ANCIENT ETHIOPIANS
- Practices very similar to Egyptian
- Not surprising, since geography very close
ANCIENT CHRISTIANS
- Obtained customs
- Body anointed and shrouded (shroud of Turin)
- Initiate burial in catacombs
~ Christians persecuted, meetings took place in safety of catacombs, so safest place for deceased also in catacombs
- Later, burial in cemeteries up to 10 bodies found in a single grave, each separated by stone slab.
ANCIENT NORTH AMERICAN INDIAN TRIBE
- Sinews left to hold skeleton together, and skeleton also dried in sun
- Skin preserved from shrinking with oils and greases
- Skeleton replaced into skin and form shaped with sand
- Dried flesh sewn together in baskets and placed at the feet of the deceased.
- Body placed in a cave or buried in ground
MEDIEVAL PERIOD THROUGH MID.19th CENTURY (600 – 1850 C.E.)
- Not much embalming happening (although some royally embalmed)
- Some embalming done for scientific research, but only preformed by physicians
MATERIAL USED – EARY YEARS
- Oils of turpentine
- Camphor spirits
- Oil of lavender
- Oil of rosemary
- Vermillion
- Spirits of wine
- Resin
- Saltpetre
MATERIALS USED – LATER YEARS
- Zinc Compounds
- Dichloride of memory
- Alum
- Arsenic
- Alcohols
- Zinc Sulphate
LEONARDO DA VICCI (1452-1519)
- Known as sculptor and painter (last supper)
- Dissected human bodies to produce hundreds of anatomical plates (drawings)
- So accurate, still used today
- Most probable that some form of embalming was done in order to allow time for dissection and drawing
- Freddy & Strubs say “undoubtedly” arterial injection of some kind preformed.
DR. WILLIAM HARVEY (1578-1657)
- English physician
- Discovered circulation of blood
- Lectured on theory, then publish view 12 years later.
MARCELLO MALPIGHI (1628-1694)
- Italian anatomist
- Used microscopes in studying tissues, credited as founder of histology
- Credited with discovery of capillary circulation and anatomises
ANTHONY VAN LEEUWENHOEK (1632-1723)
- Invented microscope
- Furthered Malpighi’s work
- “Father of Bacteriology.”
Dr. FREDERICK RUYSCH (1665-1717)
- - Professor of anatomy in Amsterdam
- Credited as “Father of Embalming” as first to perfect successful system of arterial injection as means of preservation
- Open both abdominal and thoracic cavities and eviscerated
- Washed viscera in wines and returned to body
- No records of chemicals used in arterial injection
GABRIEL CLAUDERUS (late 17th century)
- German
- Published description of his method of embalming
- Injected cavities with Balsamic spirit.
- Body immersed in same for 5-8 weeks, then dried in sun or in oven |
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| One night only Special guest…. ZOINK!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 10:31pm 08/12/2003 |
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mood: silly music: Bandages- Hot hot heat
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Hey everybodies out there in journal land. I am here to bring you the Newz peoples! Buildings collapse in Toronto. Was an uptown theatre actually they were reparin It I believe and it collapsed and fell on a school. Luckily there were only 3 kids in there only one dead and about 30 in hospital. Just thought I would post.
This messenger was brought to you by Monkey! |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Theory 101 Lesson 2 |
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| 10:27pm 08/12/2003 |
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mood: accomplished music: Blue Monday - Orgy
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(Alright now it gets more interesting. Again any questions ask they will help me study and keep my challenged.)
HISTORY OF EMBALMING
- First mentioned in Genesis 50:2 “And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father and the physicians embalmed Isreal.”
EGYPTIANS
- First to note relationships between death and disease
- Nile flooded, washing up bodies, disease spread.
“Sargo (flesh) fucas (eaters)”
- Embalming made mandatory through religious law
REASONS
#1 Disease
#2 Religious Law
- Believed the soul was immortal
- Following death, soul would roam earth for 3,000 yrs.
- “Circle of Necessity.”
- As long as body remains intact, soul could return
- Soul and body would rejoin and go live with gods.
EMABLMERS
- Members of priesthood
- Trained by medical profession
SCRIBE (someone who writes)
- Lawyer – marker incision length and location on left flank as prescribed by law
DISSECTOR
- Make incision, then dropped knife and ran
- Target of stone because defiled and mutilated the body
NECROPOLIS
- City of the dead
- Contained all the facilities necessary for the care of the body (cemeteries, crypts, tombs)
- Persons lived in the care of the dead (painters, sarcophagus, markers, priests…) also lived there with there families.
ANUBIS -> God of Embalming
CLASSIFICATION OF EGYPTIAN EMBALMING
- May discrepancies in actual procedure, based on errors in translation, embalmers individual practices, historical period.
- Description given is a generalized account of the procedures.
MOST EXPENSIVE METHOD (10 % of population…)
STEP #1 – Removal of the Brain
- Generally the brain was removed with a long thin spoon through the noce (piercing ethmoid bone.)
- Sometimes through he eye socket
- Once brain was removed, the cranial cavity was re-packed with bandage strips soaked in rein in bitumen.
STEP #2 - Evisceration
- Scribe, Dissector, Embalmer
- Viscera removed through incision in flank, washed in wines and spices
- Disposition of viscera discussed in Step 5
STEP #3 – Natron
- Salt composed of chloride, carbonate, sodium sulphate, potassium nitrate, sodium nitrate
- Found in dry lakebeds of desert
- Not solution – Dry compound
- Body covered for 20 -70? Days
- Natron caustic – nails fell off so they were held on with gold wire or thimbles
STEP #4 – Removal from Natron
- Body removed, straightened, washed in water, dried in sun
STEP #5 – Bandaged and spiced
- Viscera either placed back in body or in canopic jars
- Incisions glued or sewn shut
- Plate of metal or wax, engraved with “eye of Osiris” placed over incision
- Up to 1200 yrds. Of bondage used
- Bandage coated with risers to adhere layers and dry to hard coating
- Ornaments placed and hieroglyphics written on wrapping to identify deceased.
- Body placed in stone or wood sarcophagus and returned to family
MEDIUM PRICED EMBALMING (70 – 80% of the population…)
- Body injected with cedar oil
- Natron applied 20-70 days
- Body washed, dissolved viscera flushed out
- Body dried and returned to family
LOWERT PRICED EMBALMING
- Orifices flushed out
- Natron applied 20 – 70 days
- Body Dried and returned to family
- Other times body immersed in molten bitumen
ADDITIONAL FACTORS TO AID IN PRESERVATION
- Earth burial ~ hot dry climate
- Entombment ~ body encased in airtight wrapping, cool temperatures from beneath surface
IN SUMMARY
- Egyptians credited as founders of embalming
- Preformed as a result of sanitation concern and religious beliefs
- Method’s used were effective
- Climate assisted success
- Resins, bitumen created anaerobic environment
- Wines disinfected
- Spices preserved
ROMAN PRACTICES
- Touching the body = pollution
- Following death, ceremony of purification
- “Pollintors” – slaves hired to take charge of deceased and temple where funeral supplies sold.
- “Designator”-> Person who organised procession
- Body washed with hot water and oil for 7 days
- Body adorned with in sigma
- Burial outside of the city
GAUNCHES (900 BC??)
- Similar to Egyptian methods
- Gender specific embalmers (first women embalmers)
- During life, each member prepared sepulchre from goat skin
- All dead embalmed and evisceration (?) and desiccation methods
- Flint stone used to make incision called “Tabona”
- Mummified bodies called “Xaxos.”
- Perfect embalming methods.
BABYLONIANS, PERSIANS, SYRIANS
- Immersion of body in large vat of honey or wax
- Created anaerobic shield around body
- Method imperfect, why?
~ Nothing is being treated
~ Turn into goo
~ Could melt
- Decomposition from within
PERUVIANS
- Practised mummification although no particular process recorded
- Mummies found squatting knees under chin
- Coins and gold within the mouth
- Bodies were wrapped in cotton wool, bound in crude rope and unwrapped in coco mats |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Theory 101 lesson 1 |
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| 12:08am 08/12/2003 |
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(I know boring stuff today but if I have to suffer through it so do you. unfortunately I have to go through all this Shit every test so its best that I just go through it on here that way its covered right? This is a review for me too people not just a waste of journal space even though it is because theres nothing I know of to post. Any questions just ask. Who knows I might get my other book that I need to review out and type up some notes from that class too enjoy)
HEALTH
“The complete physical, mental and social well being of an individual, not merely the obsence of disease.”
EMBALMING
The complete disinfection, preservation and restoration of a dead human body for funeral purposes
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Stop spread of disease
~ Egyptians, New York yellow fever 1822
PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH
- Comforting memory picture
- Restores disfiguration due to:
~ Accidental death, disease, autopsy
- Viewing deceased helps reality set in
- Allows for greater time between death and disposition (travel time for family)
- Finality through ritual
- Unresolved grief often leads to physiological manifestations:
~ Gastrointestinal problems, including ulcers; hypertension; alcoholism, drug dependency, suicide.
HEALTH OF THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR -> CHAIN OF INFECTION
- Source
- Exit
~ Pathogen – any micro organism capable of causing disease
~ Via orifice or surface lesion, air turbulence
TRANSMISSION
~ Direct -> via body or discharge
~ Indirect -> via contaminated objects
ENTRY
- Via orifices or through skin
- Depressed immune system means easier entry
NEW HOST (YOU)
- Education to symptoms and situations will alert you
- Keep immunization (TB, Hep B), current.
PREVENTION
- Universal precautions
- Disinfection – Primary, concurrent, terminal
- Constant awareness
OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
Champion chemical study 1975
~ Prior to Universal Precautions
- 2,000 embalmers surveyed
Tuberculosis -> 14%
Upper Respiratory Infection -> 43.9%
Infectious Hepatitis (A,B,C) -> 12.7%
Fungal Infection -> 19.4%
Bacterial Infection -> 14.3
Septicaemia -> 16.7%
UNIVERSAL PRECAUTIONS
- Eliminated “Blood and body fluids precautions” previously recommended by CDC for persons known or suspected to be infected with blood-borne pathogens
- U.P. – the constant application of barrier precautions when handling the blood and body fluids of persons requiring direct or indirect contact care
- Gloves, Masks, Protective eye wear, Gowns (hair coverings, shoe protection)
- Thorough washing of hands and skin surfaces if exposed to body fluids (and if not)
- Prevention of needle stick injuries and cuts. |
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| Education |
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| 11:29pm 06/12/2003 |
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mood: blank music: Prayer- Disturbed
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Show of hands people I want feed back. Looks like everyone here is persistent on me continuing with college so I be re registering this week for winter semester. Show of hands who wants to be educated on the wonders of death? I’m thinking of possibly posting my notes on here as a review if anyone wants to read what I pay money for then you can tell me what garbage it is. I want to hear offensiveness too so I know NOT to post seeing as if no one posts I just might put them up for the hell of it. I mean its not like I twist your arm or anything and Warning may be of graphical nature keep that in mind. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| A mixture of things |
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| 12:16am 04/12/2003 |
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mood: relaxed music: Like a Stone - Audioslave
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I know it’s a little late for the x-men e-mail but I never got the chance to see it till this week that just passed. I grew up with the x-men animated and also through comics when I was younger. I always wished I was a mutant and in a way I am. People here don’t want to know me. they look at me as if I came from another planet, even my father. So in a way I guess I embrace my mutant brother although not mutant in definition. I dot know where im going with this although I had it all planed before I started typing so I will end that of what I was saying.
Anyway I spent a little time with Lucas today. We watched a movie today well it’s the 2nd time.. here you can guess “Kid nap the Sandy Claws lock him in a box, bury him for 90 years see if he still talks.” I was awake for it all today. I really like that movie. Lucas found one of my old sketch books that had a loose collage that’s just sketched in pencil and I think he wants it.
Seems everything I was going to say has left me sorry goodnight. |
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| I must be calm, I must be calm, i must be calm.... |
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| 10:47pm 25/11/2003 |
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mood:  pissed off music: One Thing - Finger Eleven
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Sarah gets this e-mail from Rena.... on all the crap she wont listen to us about. funny how she doesnt even mention me in it I'm royally pissed off and thought i would safely rant here before i blow my top on something or someone. im just so pissed that my father cant tell the truth at anything he is such a heartless pathetic ........ thing that he has destroyed my mothers good name to make his pathetic self look good........... go figure
Dear Sarah,
As you may suspect your Dad was upset about Christmas. He wanted so much just to see at least you since your Mom is playing her hand and not letting Keith get a passport. Your Dad can't even cross the border with your Mom pulling her crap. I'm sorry Sarah but I can't understand the womans vengence toward Terry. She gets every dime the man had coming which is 3,000 a month for you kids and Terry can't see that you kids get a dime of it.Why must your Dad pay because she is so miserable. I can't tell you the calls he has made to talk to you kids and if she is in a mood ...then he can't talk to you...or she tells him he isn't fit to be your father. I love your Dad and I think this behavior is ludicous, WHY???? HE gave her everything. She is the one who walked out and went to live with Ray. Your Dad is like a whipped pup.
I got you kids Christmas because I love you both and sometimes cannot believe the line of bull shoved in your heads about your Dad I came along way after your Mom walked out.. Ever notice your Dad never says anything about your Mom..............and she has everything to say about him.Pretty crazy......
I haven't said anything to be mean or hateful. I just can't stand to see the bottom drop out everytime your Dad calls just to say I love you and either be denied or cussed at. I just don't get it. We have got you kids something everywhere we have been this year,just unable to deliver. Afraid to mail anything because when your Dad mailed you a letter you don't get it. Course it was easy to just say it didn't come but then Keith got his........
If I have offended you in any way I'm truly sorry......It just kills me to see your Dad reach out to the loves of his life and then watch his face.
Be careful Sarah.Take care.Always ,always know you and Keith are loved.
Love Rena |
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| Figured you Out - Nickleback |
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| 11:56pm 20/11/2003 |
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mood: calm music: Figured you Out - Nickleback
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I thought I would share this song its interesting the contract in it i recomend at least to be listened to once. enjoy
I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While your looking up at me
You’re like my favourite damn disease
And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can’t say “No”
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose
(Chorus)
And now I know who you are
It wasn’t that hard
Just to figure you out
Now I did, you wonder why
And now I know who you are
It wasn’t that hard
Just to figure you out
Now I did, and you wonder why
I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way your not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress
I love the way you pass the check
And I love good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self- respect
While you’re passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck
( C )
why not before, you never tried
gone for good, and this is it
I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that’s on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you looking up at me
Your like my favourite damn disease
And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can’t say “No”
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your knows
( C )
why not before, you never tried
gone for good, and this is it |
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| Bizarre Magazine |
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| 10:20pm 11/11/2003 |
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mood: mellow music: No Music, Listening to American Outlaws
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Maybe its just me, but I’ve always found something calming in the thought that maybe, just maybe, the world might end at any moment. Often, I’ve found myself falling asleep with a blissful smile on my face, imagining an end to everything. I’ve never really cared about the nuts and bolts of apocalypse- meteorite, tidal wave, plague, bomb, computer error- I just thought it would be lovely if all things stopped forever. You wouldn’t be able to buy your way out of oblivion, or use your good looks, criminal mind or political chicanery to avoid the big send –off. We would all at the end of the world, be equal, and equality is good. Look around you: dangerous weather, militant extremists, poisoned water, lethal meat- badness is a-coming, be sure.
So whats your opinion on whats said im curious to the people that actually read what do you think? I think its true in many aspects. There was once a time when I feared the world may end but then you think at what peace it can be everything is the same nothing is better. What if??? Share your thoughts im curious. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Appology |
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| 10:19pm 11/11/2003 |
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mood: mellow music: No Music Im listening to American Outlaws
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Well it seems I have some explaining to do as for my huge mood lately. What the main part was is I was really really sick there for a while. I was scared not to mention stressed with not having Robert here our talking being so limited and next to nothing now, with the asshole that talks to me like im stupid down town and just everything. Everything has hit me at once and upset me and I took it out on everyone and I shouldn’t have. Lucas wound out I thought I was sick again and made me go to the doctors im fine though. But if I was sick again I don’t know what I would do. I don’t ever want to be like that again and the thought of being like that again really upset and scared me. I know I hurt and upset some of you and I know I probably wont have again or the same as what I once had with some of you. I feel it with Mon Faust I feel us drifting things seem different he loves me but I don’t think it’s the same anymore. I don tknow I just thought I would say im sorry to everyone please don’t say you understand because really you don’t. theres another thing im posting which will be presented before this but its from my bizarre magazine. Enjoy. |
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| Chaos |
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| 02:28am 06/11/2003 |
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mood: annoyed music: Bittersweet Symphony- blur
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Seems everything is going to hell here. Wait a go Seth hm? Bravo I have done it again. Seems like that’s always the case doesn’t it? Eric is leaving for Winnipeg and Sarah is upset at me because of it. Its my fault Eric is leaving. That’s what everyone seems to think anyways. He cant deal when everything doesn’t revolve around him in some way and he has a tantrum and leaves. I don’t know what to say if he don’t stay Sarah wont forgive me and anything I say to him would show through like a light through glass. So what does one do…. Lie and hope it holds out for a while? Nothing really can be said or done in truth and honesty to make everyone happy in this situation. Funny how things bite you in the ass. He leaves Sarah will be more then pissed at me she already blames him wanting to go on me. Same as I went to this party everyone wanted me to go too I didn’t feel too good and there was nothing to do so I sat on my own. Had this guy named Drew start talking to me and we hit it off he kept me company for the night and a few days later we went out to a few shows. Eric became jealous and got upset and thinks this guy is a conspiracy to get him jealous and upset????? Eric has a girlfriend and a boyfriend and yet what I do is only done to make him upset????? Hmm. Interesting. I don’t care I think this is it |
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| Movie Mania since Oct. 1st |
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| 10:34pm 01/11/2003 |
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mood: blank music: Dregula - Rob Zombie
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Well these are all the movies I’ve seen since the beginning of October. It makes for a lame journal but it’s a journal. What’s in the brackets is how many times I’ve seen it. If there’s no brackets with no numbers it means I only seen it once. Happy Halloween.
Beetle Juice
Bordello of Blood
Bram Stokers Dracula
Bride of Chucky
Demon Knight (2)
Dracula Dead and Loving it (3)
Elvira Mistress of the dark
Freddy’s Dead
The Gate
The Gate II
Haunted Hotel
Hocus Pocus
House of 1000 corpses
House on Haunted Hill (3)
Idol Hands
Interview with a Vampire (5)
Misery
Poltergeist (2)
Poltergeist II
Pumpkin Head
Pumpkin head II
Resident Evil
Return of the Living Dead (2)
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Sleep Walkers (2)
Sleepy Hollow
Snow white a tale of terror
Tales from the dark side the movie (2)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre Revisited (2)
Vampires II
When good ghouls go bad |
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| For everyone that still reads this pathetic excuse of a journal |
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| 12:48am 12/10/2003 |
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It seems I find myself dragged on this twice tonight. I just want to be left alone. I dont want people to ask for whoever is talking to get me on line it's just not going to happen. This isn't real, theres no magic, there is nothing for me theres no where im going then where I am now nothing will ever change this is it. I don't give a damn anymore. I wont be here to hear the "I understands" because no, you dont understand, you never will understand. your not me you dont know me you will never know me. everyone keeps saying "i miss the Seth i used to know" you know what he is dead and its as simple as that. you guys will never be happy you guys wont have the friend you remember im not him anymore. i never will be him again and i dont know if i would want to be. so quit looking what you want is gone, what i am? is nothing i see leaving soon. if it helps remember who i was and go from there. otherwise i want no part of this anymore.
Engel (Angel Rammstein)
Live in virtue, no desire
In the grave an angel's choir
You look to heaven and wonder why
No one can see them in the sky
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heavens keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Angels live, they never die
Apart from us, behind the sky
They're fading souls who've turned to ice
So ashen white in paradise
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heavens keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Heaven must be hell in the sky |
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| 10:49pm 10/10/2003 |
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Well tonight was a disappointment. The drive in was only playing one movie they advertised on the board that they were going to play tonight so we didn’t go because I didn’t want to sit through two of the other movies. They could have gone but they didn’t. I don’t know if I will go there anymore if they cant post things right. Today wasn’t even worth waking up for and I wish Monkey would leave me the hell alone im not going to Winnipeg. Two more fish died today I feel like giving them away so I don’t watch the remaining 6 from 12 die as well. Everything seems to crumble in my hands and it seems like lately id rather watch it crumble then trying to fix it. Things are easier that way. If I didn’t have to do this workshop I would find someplace to be on my own. Everyone is just bugging me and im sorry if this is hurting anyone. Maybe if I piss people off enough they will just not have anything to do with me. I don’t want this anymore. No need to comment I don’t think I will be on really anymore. |
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| Humanity.... what other thing do i usually talk about. |
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| 09:49pm 06/10/2003 |
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mood:  bored music: Basketcase - Green Day
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Humanity… again it never ceases to amaze me. now there are reports for people to be more then careful when pumping gas. They say that people are rigging the gas pumps with HIV infected syringes. Nice hm? Same as in the world of bizarre a woman last night during her mass went into church blew her priest im not sure if anyone else and of course herself away during a sermon. I just don’t understand. People wonder why im dark don’t seem compassionate. Why I seem inhuman? There aren’t many reasons to be any of the opposite of those things and there are very few people to care about that way in this world. Touch times will be coming up. On the 27th of this month will be the 2 year anniversary to a woman’s death that I had known. She was important to me and I was floored when she left. Left me out of the loop of things for a month. Lets see my past journals there hasn’t been the lighter side to Ange within my entries. Lately ive been painting a lot, Monkey has bought me some bracelet’s made of Onyx that are to help me with my hands. So far they feel alright although they still get cold and hurt just a bit but not as much as before. Other then that Sarah and Lucas went out and brought back a few Candy apples for me. I hardly have them maybe one ever few years so this is a nice treat. I think this is the end of my rant for today. |
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| "Life is just a broken memory" - Stained |
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| 11:12pm 02/10/2003 |
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Well today, today nothing much has happened today im nearly done my painting. I have to really find out what im going to do for Pixit it keep myself busy. So death is almost done although I might mural it on my wall. That might be time consuming. I need to get back down to the cemetery before it gets too cold for me to. They are expecting snow early this year. Im just so looking forward to that cant you tell? Today and lately I feel like my old moods, I feel myself slipping back. I feel like going back to my cutting ways. It just seems like everything will be fine but at this moment I don’t know if I would stop if I started. So alas I look at my arm and after a while you can see the veins throb with their own heart beat. The strange thoughts that seep in your mind on occasion *shrugs* Faust didn’t go to school, wasn’t feeling well. I hope he gets better. Other then that I don’t know what else to say. |
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| 11:14pm 01/10/2003 |
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mood: depressed music: In the End - Linkin Park
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ISP has been down for the past few days. So I guess you can call this three days in a row rant. Well went with my mom to see her worker on Monday. They aren’t pleased that I’m going to school they cant even read what I’m going to school for they talk like school is a waste of time. They put me in a mandatory work shop that I have to go to, to place me into a job suitable for me I’m thinking……. Can you not read that I’m taking a brake till school is starting can you not read I’m in training so to say for a job can you not read that I want to get some where I am going some where and I am not a leech to the system? So I’m placed.. Not asked placed into a work shop that is mandatory otherwise mom could lose half her disability check and possibly be booted from where we are living. They might even be making me get into a job. So looks like nights will be cut short and guess what? I won’t be going down there. I told you guys things never work and no amount of planning will ever get anything right for me. That’s just the way it is and I should accept it rather then living in my own little fantasy world where nothing is wrong. Everything will be ok because its just not. I need to wake up from all this. I don’t know maybe there is a curse to being a dreamer, dreams never come true, wishes exist in imagination and hopes are nothing but breath wasted. I think I’ve said my piece for the day |
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| Today and the day after and the day after that. |
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| 01:59am 29/09/2003 |
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mood:  distressed music: As the world falls down - David Bowie
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I gues sim deciding to write in here again today. I know isn’t it amazing? Two days in a row there may be hope again… probably not. Everyone is worried and upset about me. I feel like im rearranging everyone’s life to fit my needs. It takes me back to when I was 18 again and if it follows the same path disaster lies ahead again at my hands. It just seems that way. Monkey dropped a job, and is here with me re arranged things with his girlfriend so I can be with him right now? Everyone treading so lightly because they are afraid to upset me? I don’t know anymore. My distance bothers everyone and it seems like I want it more. Distance myself from everything and everyone. I think of things that could have happened, should have happened and wonder if it would be better that way. I feel the tingles and the shiver along my spine as I think back to what I was how I was and how im becoming again. I wonder why im still here. I guess something inside wishes I would be left alone, I wish people would stop caring and that I didn’t make them care in the first place then things wouldn’t be so bad. But my lover is in Texas, seems to be depressed with the loneliness and the one here that wishes to fill in probably feels bad with my distance. I think its enough bitching for a night. |
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shadows_ange's journal